Pathos-o-meter (U)

I would like to patent my personal invention. Its working title is “Pathos-o-meter (U)”. U stands for Ukrainian. The device will need some third-party software to be installed outside Ukrainian-speaking territories, so the license sales will launch only after the Ukrainian version of the invention is tested and approved.

Assignment: the pathos-o-meter is obligatory for Ukrainian civil servants, politicians, parliamentary candidates, workers of various institutions, teachers, and other public sector employees. The invention can also be used at privately owned enterprises by mutual agreement of the parties.

Specifications: The pathos-o-meter is the device hanging on a metal chain that has to be worn around the neck. The chain has the form of a yoke which thus underlines its connection with the difficult past of our people. But at the same time, the chain is painted golden, which has to give hope for the bright future. A “pathos-o-holder” (a person who, according to his official duties, must wear the device during working days and public appearances) has no right to take it off. A small box is attached to the yoke-chain at breast height. The box scans the words of the pathos-o-holder and, if necessary, reacts to the level of pathos in his/her speeches. There is also a gum palm on the spring wired to the box. The palm is painted in yellow and blue colors and has the emblem of St. Volodymyr (the trident) on its outer side. It also has an inscription on the inner side that reads: “Pipe down, asshole!”.

Operating principle: being configured solely to the voice of the device holder, the speech scanner analyzes his/her words and sentences. When the scanner indicates exaltation in the words or intonations of the speaker, it begins to slowly buzz and heat up, causing some discomfort on the “pathos-o-holder’s” chest and thus warning him of danger. If the spokesman gets too enthusiastic and continues to use pretentious expressions, the device responds instantly: it triggers a signal to the spring, and next thing the hand palm slaps the speaker in the face. The power of impact depends on the number of pompous phrases used and tension of the voice. The number of blows during one speech is unlimited.

Word Scanner: the scanner is the basis of the pathos-o-meter and is customized on an individual basis, depending on the speaker’s position, occupation or, for instance, the phase of the election campaign. Being an artificial intelligence device, the scanner responds only to clearly selected words and sentences.

Examples: the pathos-o-meter is aimed at slapping politicians for the words and their derivatives like “patriotism”, “reform”, “future”, “build”, “Ukraine”. Let’s imagine a TV interview. There is a politician, a state official or a candidate for an elective position sitting in the TV studio. A journalist interviews his guest. So let’s imagine the guest replies: “Our team unites true patriots (and gets a slap in the face!). Our goal is to implement profound reforms (slap in the face!). We are building the future of Ukraine (the pathos-o-meter is slapping the speaker three times and crosses him afterwards).

Or another situation. Imagine a school assembly, dedicated to the “First Bell” holiday. The pathos-o-meter has been slapping the school principal since morning, even though he is not saying anything. Because what an idiot one has to be to line up children. When the teachers deliver their speeches the pathos-o-meter reacts to the words “path”, “adult”, “Ukraine”, “well”. For instance: “Today you are stepping on the path (slap in the face!) to the adult (slap in the face!) life. The school is a well (slap in the face!) of the knowledge we need to build a new Ukraine (slap in the face!).

Or imagine the situation in the Civil Registry Office where the official congratulates the newlyweds on their marriage. The scanner catches the words “rushnyk”, “the future”, “forever”, “happy”  and does its job. Slap in the face!

Side-(but useful)-effect: the pathos-o-meter will be useful not only for those who deliver speeches but also for the audience watching their TVs or sitting in front of the stage and thinking: “Pipe down, asshole!”. It will help people reduce their stress level, so the desire to lynch and cause dreadful injuries to politicians and officials will be kept at a safe level.

Details of public purchases of the device: the inventor reserves the right to sell the Pathos-o-meter (U) exclusively through the “ProZorro” system.

 Andriy Lyubka

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